You Don’t Need Clean Hair to be a Hot Mama

Posted on December 7, 2011 by admin

When I was about 7 months pregnant, I met a young mother at a wedding and she told me all about how she never had time to take a shower. Nodding my head, I tried to understand and convey sympathy, but inside I was thinking she was just disorganized.

When my child was born, and I stopped working, I made a conscious decision that I would treat motherhood like work. An outfit and a shower every morning no matter what. I successfully managed to do this (with mascara and lipgloss no less) until a few months ago when my daughter officially turned into a toddler.

Oh, now I see. You really don’t have time for a damn shower anymore! Having made this realization, I’ve had to reassess my commitment to vanity and figure out a way to appear relatively “cute” in the looks-obsessed isle of Manhattan. So, I’ve come up with a pretty solid system to keep looking and smelling like a fresh bed of daisies—even if you have dark circles, split ends and bad breath!

Stop Washing Your Hair
Forget washing your hair everyday if that’s what you’re used to. Try the every other day

S Factor's Diamond Dreams Makes Your Play Doh-Filled Hair Attractive Again

method (or two). This involves an upgrade on your shampoo though. If you’re going to wash less, treat yourself to a high-end shampoo treat. I love S Factor’s Diamond Dreams Shampoo and Conditioner. It’s ridiculous and total bullshit, but their shampoo has real DIAMONDS and CASHMERE in it (not to mention champagne and pearls!). For whatever reason, that makes me feel good and important inside.

The other necessity is dry shampoo. This will change your life. No Shit. Suave and Tresseme make really good and reasonably priced dry shampoos. Just spray it on and brush it out and you’ve got clean, non-greasy hair for little grubby hands to pull. I prefer Suave’s dry shampoo because it’s translucent. Tresseme kind of makes your  hair look like a powdered wig, but I’ll use it in a pinch.

Alternating between cheap dry and really expensive wet shampoo, allows you to still take a shower every day—even if it’s a quick rinse because your child decides to stand in the toilet and drink Listerine the second the shower door closes.

HEADBANDS
Part of your new hair regimen should include headbands. Combined with the dry shampoo, you can create a flirty look while keeping your hair swept up off your face. This is THE hair solution for when you’re trying to get our the door, but Jr. just took off his coat for the third fucking time, peed in his shoe and your husband won’t get the hell out of your one-and-only New York-sized bathroom. I prefer these cheap Goodie bands, but you can also treat yourself to cool fabric covered headbands like these.

Headbands make you beautiful again!

Find a GOOD Concealer and Use Makeup Removing Wipes

Concealer is essential. Especially if you are like my husband and I and really enjoy our nights “off” after bedtime. We’re usually up until 11:30/12 hanging out watching some stupid TV show and then up at 7:00 a.m. Now, 7 hours of sleep was enough in your 20s, but when you hit 35, this does a number of your face.

Another thing that causes dark, worn out, “mommy” circles is not removing your makeup properly at night. As we discussed, you don’t have any damn time for a shower anymore, so you probably aren’t going to wash your face every night either. Enter: Biore Makeup Removing Towlettes. These things are awesome, make sure to pay attention to your under-eye area and you’ll definitely see some circle reduction that’s usually due to old mascara.

Listerine
This pretty much speaks for itself. Use after you drink 5 cups of coffee in the morning so you’re awake enough to get your kid to nursery school or sing-along time at the library. The other mommies and your husband will appreciate it.

 

 

Posted in Vanity | Tagged | 1 Comment

Book Review: Mo Willems’ Knuffle Bunny

Posted on November 30, 2011 by admin

If you’re looking for a new book to give your toddler this Christmas or need a present for yet another child’s birthday party, why not give Knuffle Bunny: A Cautionary Tale a shot? Written and Illustrated by Mo Willems, the book follows the adventures of Trixie, a toddler, and her father on a trip to the laundromat.

The illustrations are set against real-life black-and-white city photos of a leafy Brooklyn neighborhood including scenes any pint-sized New Yorker will identify with: parks, schools, stoops, and stairways.

A gift from a family member, this book is my daughter’s new favorite and mine! And for those of you concerned with the literary acumen of your slobbering progeny, Knuffle Bunny is a 2005 Caldecott Honor book, which I guess is the equivalent of the Booker Prize or something for children’s books.

The honor is definitely warranted though, Trixie’s story follows a clear narrative arc that really holds your kid’s attention. I absolutely love watching my daughter as she emotes genuine concern when Knuffle Bunny goes missing, and then pure understanding when Trixie has to “go boneless” during a tantrum to get her father’s attention.

But I don’t want to give too much away, buy it here!

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Tried Everything Else? Why not Hypnotism?

Posted on November 29, 2011 by admin

The obsessive Googling started the second I became pregnant. Every day I’d check in at Baby Center to see what my fetus looked like and what new body parts may have grown that week. As my pregnancy progressed, so did the Googling: terrifying natural birth stories (ring of fire, anyone?), birth defects, what will my vagina look like after child birth? and so on. And as you can imagine, it continues through your child’s infancy as you frantically Google types of feces, when to completely freak out about a fever and how to identify a concussion in a 9-month old because she nailed the side of her head on the coffee table AGAIN! Thinking about it causes flashbacks…You are getting sleeeepyyy.

Once they turn two though, the Googling doesn’t stop it just changes to topics like: How to make the strongest Martini possible? Why does my toddler hit herself in the face repeatedly? And, how the hell do you deal with tantrums??

As a result, I’ve come across a lot of parenting articles and websites that are selling parenting advice geared towards toddlers, usually for the price of $29.95 for some sort of DVD or eBook. They use the same long-form direct response marketing tactics as those sites that sell Acai Berry supplements. Now, I’ll give them credit, it’s brilliant. I’m sure they are making a nice chunk off desperate and scared parents with terrible two-year olds. However, I’d have to say the best parenting sites I’ve come across are the ones that claim you can hypnotize your children to sleep, behave, and in general be happy little children all for the price of their $79 (!) DVD.

I’m not knocking hypnosis, I’ve just never tried it, but if I could hypnotize my family this is how I would take advantage of my powers. You are getting very sleeeepy…..

  • To husband: …It’s your turn to change the morning diaper that’s as heavy as a brick with piss… Change it every day, Monday through Friday…
  • To toddler: …Never throw a tantrum in front of your Grandmother who is an expert in early childhood education…never, ever, ever…
  • To husband: …Close the door when you use the bathroom…Close the door when you use the bathroom…Close the door when you use the bathroom…
  • To toddler: …Do not kick mommy in the boobies while changing your diaper…It’s not cute to say, “kicking mommy’s boobies!!”…
  • To husband and toddler: …If mommy is really quiet and mad at both of you, mix her up a Martini…A Martini with olives…hmmmm….

Posted in Tricks of the Trade | 2 Comments

Chardonnay Makes Traveling with Toddler Fun!

Posted on November 22, 2011 by admin

About 10 years ago, I had the pleasure of spending Thanksgiving completely by myself in New York’s East Village. I must have known on some level that it would never happen again and I indulged in takeout for every meal of the day: fried egg sandwich for breakfast, burrito for lunch, and Chinese for dinner. I leisurely read the New York Times and watched a Cary Grant marathon on A&E. Sure, it was pathetic and gluttonous but it was amazing not to travel anywhere and the only family contact I had to deal with was a quick phone call home. HEAVEN!

Oh for that Thanksgiving of my lonely twenties… Now, the holidays are wrought with travel and all the ridiculous toddler accouterments that come with it. I’ve never felt more accomplished or more insane after a trip with my daughter. And it starts with a list of crap you have to lug with you—and don’t expect your husband to help with the packing. They NEVER pack for the children or arrange for a cat sitter.

This is how you travel with a toddler from NYC:

Drink Chardonnay while flying with a toddler.

  • Load your stroller up with no less than four bags just for baby: diaper bag, toy bag, small travel cooler for milk and food, and clothes bag. Toy bag must include 6 books that will not be read at Grandma’s house, 3 pretend cellphones to annoy the entire plane with, at least one medium-sized plastic toy that won’t seem to fit anywhere after you initially pack it, and a stuffed animal for collecting rotavirus germs along the way.
  • Roll stroller through the streets of Manhattan to your car with your kid strapped to you in some sort of clavicle-crushing front carrier while you also pull your giant roller suitcase behind you. Scoff at the 20-something hipsters and their pitiful glances as you roll your suitcase over a pile of dog shit. Comfort yourself with the knowledge they t0o will one day experience parenting, and, ha ha, they are wearing Sally Jesse Rafael glasses without lenses and a fedora.
  • Bring lots of diapers and wipes, especially for flying. Be prepared for your child to take a really messy dump right after takeoff. Also be ready for them to slide around in feces while you change them on the airplane bathroom’s changing table during turbulence. Your husband will never change a diaper on an airplane either, sorry ladies.
  • While in line for security, take off your child’s shoes because they could have built a shoe bomb in their crib earlier in the day. Also be very wary of their bottles—apparently another source of baby-terrorist activity while you weren’t looking, who knew?
  • Once on the aircraft: breathe, order a glass of Chardonnay—even on a morning flight—the glass of Chardonnay is CRITICAL for you to get through the flight. Do anything possible to keep your kid from crying and screaming i.e. feed them constantly. One thing I’ve learned is to not let them crawl over the seat in front of you while you sneak sips of your Chardonnay. Flight attendants get all weird about it, but you’ll be able to laugh off any angry reprimands because Chardonnay is really good at making flying with a kid funny.
  • When at your destination and Grandma and P-Pa finally arrive at the baggage claim, throw toddler into their loving arms so they can go home and bake some goddamn candied yams. You, on the other hand, should really head to a movie theater because when was the last time you saw a shitty movie at a real theater? Like a year ago??

It’s the little things that make motherhood so fabulous. Happy Thanksgiving!

 

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Throwing a Two-Year Old’s Birthday Party Without Losing It?

Posted on November 15, 2011 by admin

Um no, I definitely did lose it, but that was only during the Hell of using Fondant icing for the first time. Throwing a party for your 2-year old in Manhattan presents a whole host of interesting situations. For one, your apartment is too small for 8 toddlers and both of their parents. And both parents always come because hey, it’s still a party and social-life starved parents want in on the fun too.

School Bus Cake with Fondant Icing

So this means you have to rent space. And then that makes you realize you have to decorate that space. To decorate you must develop a child’s theme. Along with the theme comes party favors and CAKES.  And if you want to recreate your own childhood like I usually do, this probably requires MAKING said cake just the way your mom did which usually means homemade cake and icing and a 3-D design. At least that’s what it means for me. This is a challenge if you are not a baker and your hatred of baking actually causes you to have recurrent panic attacks, especially if you wait until 9:00 PM the night before the party to begin baking.

Another stressor can be your husband. They usually aren’t into party planning, and do you blame them really? For the weeks leading up to the party, you’re completely content sharing your plans for the party with him and running the errands and loving being in control. Then a few days before the party, you realize he hasn’t done a friggin’ thing to help you.

On the night before the party while you are rolling out sticky Fondant icing and your cake is crumbling on it’s cooling rack and he’s watching The Hurt Locker on Showtime — you might loose it. You might turn into the devil and force your husband to begin icing part of the cake (the part you know he can’t screw up no matter how hard he tries). Even though, after five seconds you shoo him back out your tiny-ass kitchen by screeching that he should just watch his stupid movie already. While scraping a large sheet of thin Fondant icing from your countertop and praying it doesn’t rip, you quietly rue the day you ever got married and curse the directors of The Hurt Locker for making what sounds like a really great movie, but you can’t watch it!

Then finally, you drop the Fondant on the cake and it’s over. It was kind of worth it. Actually, it was really worth it when during the party your daughter couldn’t stop talking about her birthday cake, eats 2.5 pieces of cake and then quietly hugs you when everyone leaves.

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Butts on Fire: Curing Diaper Rash

Posted on November 10, 2011 by admin

Tools for taking care of toddler shit storms and their aftermath.

About 12 weeks in to being a mother, I had the realization that my new station in life and prime reason for existence was to now take care of somebody else’s asshole. Oh, I know that sounds vulgar, but think about it — it’s very true.

Every once in a while as I’m changing my daughter’s diaper, I notice how perfectly clear and pink and gorgeous her little tushie is! “I’m doing SUCH a good job at preventing diaper rash,” I whisper to myself. And it never fails that within 10 hours of feeling this proud moment of motherhood my daughter comes down with a stomach flu and a 5 day-long shit storm ensues.

If you don’t know this already, the bacteria in baby’s poop gets all out of whack during the flu. This bad bacteria then infects your kid’s delicate booty skin and is the cause of most diaper rashes. I’ll tell you what I’ve found doesn’t work: Baby Powder, A+D Ointment, Butt Paste (this will stain everything it comes in contact with), Triple Paste, Aveeno, and um, pretty much any diaper ointment with only 9 −17% zinc oxide.

This is what works (in this order): 

  • Give your child Pedialyte throughout the day along with milk and their regular diet mixed with the famous BRAT diet (Bananas, Rice, Applesauce, Toast)
  • A colloidal oatmeal bath
  • Child should around naked for an hour while their little buns dry completely. Have fun cleaning the rug!
  • Apply an anti-fungle lotion prescribed by your doctor (essential for killing the yeast infection the bad bacteria causes on their skin — yes, it’s a yeast infection)
  • Apply a thick coat of Desitin Maximum Strength diaper ointment (40% zinc oxide!)
  • Diaper, and then check for wetness every hour and change frequently.
  • When changing diaper: ONLY WIPE WITH COTTON BALLS. No wipes, anything wet with chemicals will make the rash worse and is very painful for your baby/toddler a.k.a. the little butt hole you’re chained to for 2 − 3 years.
Happy Diapering! 
Posted in Tricks of the Trade | Tagged , | 2 Comments

Melasma: Is it Worth a Chemical Peel?

Posted on November 8, 2011 by admin

Right now, I would say, “Hell No!”

Melasma is a soul-crushing side effect of pregnancy hormones or birth control pills that affects women with certain types of skin. And if you’re an olive-skinned part-time ex smoker like me, the combo of nicotine and hormones result in facial discoloration while also crushing any remaining self esteem you might have had after gaining baby weight and acquiring a really sexy C-section scar. Brown spots are just one of multiple cruel motherhood side effects and they can cover your entire visage.  If I want to feel really bad about my skin, I just hold my daughter up next to me in the mirror and, man, you can really see why baby skin is so fucking awesome.

Chemical Peel or Phantom of the Opera?

I have three annoying spots. Two about the size of a dime on my left cheek and one slow-growing Mikhail Gorbachev-ish splotch growing down from my right-sided part. They are starting to show up in photos, so once a year I get a facial with a mild peel like a lactic acid peel or low-concentration glycolic acid.

During this most recent facial, however, at the over-priced Crystal Springs resort in New Jersey, the aesthetician, Dr. Elizabeth, recommended a Jessner peel on my melasma as a spot treatment, just where I needed it. Since it wasn’t my whole face, I agreed and a few seconds later was regretting the deep and unnatural burning I felt immediately on contact (I later read that dermatologists give you Percoset before using this peel). I knew something might be wrong when in a slight panic, she quickly neutralized the acid and continued on with some other type of acid that slowly leaked into my closed eyes. What made this part really incredibly cool was that my hands were wrapped in moisturizer and hot towels so I couldn’t wipe my eyes and Dr. Elizabeth had left the room….

After this came an aggressive facial massage with a thick moisturizer that literally plugged my right nostril making it very difficult to breath. I tried really hard to play it cool but had to resort to mouth breathing while she massaged my chin and cheeks for way too long. There was drool, occasional snorting and a feeling of defeat: This. Was. Not. Relaxing!

The whole time, Dr. Elizabeth, in her still somewhat-persuasive eastern European accent, kept touting the “Jeessnuur peel’s” fabulousity and told me this spa legend of how their manager was able to stand the pain of 9 layers of a Jeesnnuur peel and when she left that day, she had “no spots on her faces!!”

Well, I still have my original spots PLUS a big new one about the size of a pistachio on my cheek. What’s even worse is that I can’t go out in the sun without bandaids on my face because chemical peels make you photosensitive and you run the risk of permanent scarring.

If the spots neglect to turn “dark brown and leathery” and flake off like the Internet is telling me they’re supposed to, I know I’ll be out hundreds of dollars at the real dermatologist to remedy the situation with LASERS. So ladies, you should consider learning to live with your melasma, it’s hard to wear bandaids on your mug around small children at the playground who keep asking about your “Ouchie” and your freaking “Boo-Boo,” or they just stare at you for a long time like you’re the Phantom of the Opera or Barney with bandaids on his dinosaur face.

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Baby Soup: A Meal Your Toddler Will Eat

Posted on November 2, 2011 by admin

Food your toddler will actually eat.

You know that feeling of intense disappointment and rage that comes when your child won’t eat a damn thing you make for them? And what about meat? Why, whyyyy! won’t they eat meat? If your kid is like mine, not overly picky necessarily, but in general doesn’t seem to like your cooking, baby soup may help.

Start by melting some butter in olive oil. Add one cup each onions, carrots, celery and three cloves of garlic and simmer. Then add 3/4 cup of Ragu or other tomato sauce for color and substance.

In another pan, cook up some local, grass-fed ground beef, drain the fat and when it is almost cooked through, add to the simmering veggies. Here, add seasonings like a little salt, pepper, onion and garlic powder, turmeric, cumin, and thyme. Sauté for a while longer and then add some organic low-sodium chicken broth. Bring to a boil, add half a cup of rice, then simmer on low until rice is cooked (about 15 for white enriched rice).

Add some steamed spinach or kale at the very end so it doesn’t loose it’s green color. (Steamed spinach is an excellent source of calcium–I know this from watching five minutes of stupid Dr. Oz the other day). If you can’t get organic or grass fed ingredients, it doesn’t really matter (that shit is EXPENSIVE), but it will taste better especially if you use beef. Ground turkey also works well and is very low fat for those of you with little chunks on your hands.

Cook all meat thoroughly–you don’t want to have a panic attack later when you’re listening to an NPR show about E. coli.

What’s incredible about this dish is that they’ll eat it!  And if you’re lucky they may even want a second serving. And due to the veggie content, I guarantee you’ll feel approximately 40% less guilty later in the afternoon when all they want are Cheddar Bunnies and you’re too lazy to slice up an apple. That night, add a little Siracha Sauce to spice it up, slap some grilled cheese on the panini griller, open some wine and voila! A hearty dinner that will also knock your husband’s balls off.

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Teaching Your Little Candy Freak the True Meaning of Halloween

Posted on November 1, 2011 by admin

This was our first year trick or treating in Manhattan where children knock on store fronts instead of houses. It’s great, your local dry-cleaning ladies, Dunkin’ Donuts workers, and hardware store owners dole out sweets and you don’t have to go into apartment buildings to get candy. It’s definitely not a suburban Halloween outing with haunted porches and amateur vandalism, but you can still share a raucous, gluten and corn-syrup filled All Hallow’s Eve with your little monsters.

A couple tips for Halloween 2012 if you plan on taking your toddler out for the fun:

  • Try not to wear a mask that obstructs your view with fur – even if it was 50% off at Ricky’s.
  • Don’t hold your toddler while they slobber all over a lollipop; it will only stick to the fur of your last-minute attempt at a sexy-costume. (Like you really think your going get any tonight anyway? Muuuwha ha ha ha!)
  • Larger and tougher New Yorker children WILL steamroll over your toddler to grab stale Now-n-Laters from the nasty Chinese restaurant on the corner. Resist the urge to push them into traffic for smashing your baby against the homeless guy in the doorway.
  • A plastic Jack-o-lantern doubles nicely as a purse/diaper bag.
  • Don’t feed your child dinner.
  • Do let them eat only Skittles, lollipops, Milky Ways, Snickers, and M&Ms for three hours while other parents look at your wild-eyed chocolate covered offspring in disgust. Take lots of pictures during their sugar high. It’s worth it in the morning.
  • Scowl at the neighbor who’s giving out organic apples and make sure your toddler sees you flicking them off behind their back. You don’t want them to get the idea that Halloween is supposed to be retarded in any way.
  • Order pizza from the Dominos you just trick or treated at and give a piece to your son/daughter. This will insure a large overnight poop which no toddler Halloween is ever complete without.
  • Put child to bed at first signs of sugar crash: screaming, whining, eye-twitching and stumbling into walls. They’ll enjoy the best sleep of their life and and then it’s Miller time for you and the hubby! Nice.

 

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