After a few weeks off from blogging due to an increased workload and a descent into the
hellish depths of the last week of gray February (a time a year where I do nothing but eat pretzels and watch Intervention) it is WARM here in New York City—and it’s playground time!
This year, the playground is going to really begin to play a central role in mine and my toddler’s life. No longer will she be falling over and drooling on the pavement like some 8-month old. She’s not going flip off the slide in some contorted position and bust her lip even though I’m standing right fucking there, touching her even! And she’s not going to stare with the eye-glaze of a really drunk person when some giant 4-year old pushes her over in order to ring some stupid playground bells.
No, this year, she can run, walk, climb ladders, stand in line, go down the slide on her back, front, side, and head first. And now she’s full of 2-year old attitude, I’d like to see ANY 4-year old try to mess with her now—all while I sit nearby drinking coffee and playing with my iPhone and NOT on the actual playground myself. Sweet!
This being said, it’s time to talk about some playground behavior I find really annoying.
- Dear Russian Nannies: Don’t give my child food. I don’t want her to fill up on your brownies and gold fish because she’ll NEVER eat my healthy lunch. NEVER.
- Do we always have to make an enormous deal about SHARING?? Please, these kids need to duke it out themselves sometimes. Unless your kid is being an asshole and hitting someone or pushing them in order to get at a toy, a snatch or grab here and there IS NOT A BIG DEAL—especially if the kid who’s toy was taken isn’t even phased by losing the toy. Along with sharing, our kids should learn to defend what they want instead of some adult always mediating the situation.
- Large, running children who don’t wait in line and their mothers are nowhere to be found should be disciplined, by YOU. Don’t feel bad about disciplining unsafe behavior if it’s warranted. This also applies to reprimanding teenagers who litter in broad daylight, in your kid’s playground. I know in NYC teenagers can be extremely frightening, but you’d be surprised at how well they listen when you call them out for littering. I also like to monitor small evil bands of 6-year-old girls who seem to be bullying another girl. That shit’s not cool with me, and you could make some poor little girl’s day a little better if you diffuse a teasing situation.
- Another annoying situation unique to New York: teenagers openly smoking marijuana 20 feet from a playground. My daughter already knows the difference between a spliff and a joint. Lovely.
