Tried Everything Else? Why not Hypnotism?

The obsessive Googling started the second I became pregnant. Every day I’d check in at Baby Center to see what my fetus looked like and what new body parts may have grown that week. As my pregnancy progressed, so did the Googling: terrifying natural birth stories (ring of fire, anyone?), birth defects, what will my vagina look like after child birth? and so on. And as you can imagine, it continues through your child’s infancy as you frantically Google types of feces, when to completely freak out about a fever and how to identify a concussion in a 9-month old because she nailed the side of her head on the coffee table AGAIN! Thinking about it causes flashbacks…

Once they turn two though, the Googling doesn’t stop it just changes to topics like: How to make the strongest Martini possible? Why does my toddler hit herself in the face repeatedly? And, how the hell do you deal with tantrums??

As a result, I’ve come across a lot of parenting articles and websites that are selling parenting advice geared towards toddlers, usually for the price of $29.95 for some sort of DVD or eBook. They use the same long-form direct response marketing tactics as those sites that sell Acai Berry supplements. Now, I’ll give them credit, it’s brilliant. I’m sure they are making a nice chunk off desperate and scared parents with terrible two-year olds. However, I’d have to say the best parenting sites I’ve come across are the ones that claim you can hypnotize your children to sleep, behave, and in general be happy little children all for the price of their $79 (!) DVD.

I’m not knocking hypnosis, I’ve just never tried it, but if I could hypnotize my family this is how I would take advantage of my powers. You are getting very sleeeepy…..

• To husband: …It’s your turn to change the morning diaper that’s as heavy as a brick with piss… Change it every day, Monday through Friday…
• To toddler: …Never throw a tantrum in front of your Grandmother who is an expert in early childhood education…never, ever, ever…
• To husband: …Close the door when you use the bathroom…Close the door when you use the bathroom…Close the door when you use the bathroom…
• To toddler: …Do not kick mommy in the boobies while changing your diaper…It’s not cute to say, “kicking mommy’s boobies!!”…
• To husband and toddler: …If mommy is really quiet and mad at both of you, mix her up a Martini…A Martini with olives…hmmmm….