Butts on Fire: Curing Diaper Rash

Tools for taking care of toddler shit storms and their aftermath.

About 12 weeks in to being a mother, I had the realization that my new station in life and prime reason for existence was to now take care of somebody else’s asshole. Oh, I know that sounds vulgar, but think about it — it’s very true.

Every once in a while as I’m changing my daughter’s diaper, I notice how perfectly clear and pink and gorgeous her little tushie is! “I’m doing SUCH a good job at preventing diaper rash,” I whisper to myself. And it never fails that within 10 hours of feeling this proud moment of motherhood my daughter comes down with a stomach flu and a 5 day-long shit storm ensues.

If you don’t know this already, the bacteria in baby’s poop gets all out of whack during the flu. This bad bacteria then infects your kid’s delicate booty skin and is the cause of most diaper rashes. I’ll tell you what I’ve found doesn’t work: Baby Powder, A+D Ointment, Butt Paste (this will stain everything it comes in contact with), Triple Paste, Aveeno, and um, pretty much any diaper ointment with only 9 −17% zinc oxide.

This is what works (in this order): 

• Give your child Pedialyte throughout the day along with milk and their regular diet mixed with the famous BRAT diet (Bananas, Rice, Applesauce, Toast)
• A colloidal oatmeal bath
• Child should around naked for an hour while their little buns dry completely. Have fun cleaning the rug!
• Apply an anti-fungle lotion prescribed by your doctor (essential for killing the yeast infection the bad bacteria causes on their skin — yes, it’s a yeast infection)
• Apply a thick coat of Desitin Maximum Strength diaper ointment (40% zinc oxide!)
• Diaper, and then check for wetness every hour and change frequently.
• When changing diaper: ONLY WIPE WITH COTTON BALLS. No wipes, anything wet with chemicals will make the rash worse and is very painful for your baby/toddler a.k.a. the little butt hole you’re chained to for 2 − 3 years.