Right now, I would say, “Hell No!”
Melasma is a soul-crushing side effect of pregnancy hormones or birth control pills that affects women with certain types of skin. And if you’re an olive-skinned part-time ex smoker like me, the combo of nicotine and hormones result in facial discoloration while also crushing any remaining self esteem you might have had after gaining baby weight and acquiring a really sexy C-section scar. Brown spots are just one of multiple cruel motherhood side effects and they can cover your entire visage. If I want to feel really bad about my skin, I just hold my daughter up next to me in the mirror and, man, you can really see why baby skin is so fucking awesome.
Chemical Peel or Phantom of the Opera?
I have three annoying spots. Two about the size of a dime on my left cheek and one slow-growing Mikhail Gorbachev-ish splotch growing down from my right-sided part. They are starting to show up in photos, so once a year I get a facial with a mild peel like a lactic acid peel or low-concentration glycolic acid.
During this most recent facial, however, at the over-priced Crystal Springs resort in New Jersey, the aesthetician, Dr. Elizabeth, recommended a Jessner peel on my melasma as a spot treatment, just where I needed it. Since it wasn’t my whole face, I agreed and a few seconds later was regretting the deep and unnatural burning I felt immediately on contact (I later read that dermatologists give you Percoset before using this peel). I knew something might be wrong when in a slight panic, she quickly neutralized the acid and continued on with some other type of acid that slowly leaked into my closed eyes. What made this part really incredibly cool was that my hands were wrapped in moisturizer and hot towels so I couldn’t wipe my eyes and Dr. Elizabeth had left the room….
After this came an aggressive facial massage with a thick moisturizer that literally plugged my right nostril making it very difficult to breath. I tried really hard to play it cool but had to resort to mouth breathing while she massaged my chin and cheeks for way too long. There was drool, occasional snorting and a feeling of defeat: This. Was. Not. Relaxing!
The whole time, Dr. Elizabeth, in her still somewhat-persuasive eastern European accent, kept touting the “Jeessnuur peel’s” fabulousity and told me this spa legend of how their manager was able to stand the pain of 9 layers of a Jeesnnuur peel and when she left that day, she had “no spots on her faces!!”
Well, I still have my original spots PLUS a big new one about the size of a pistachio on my cheek. What’s even worse is that I can’t go out in the sun without bandaids on my face because chemical peels make you photosensitive and you run the risk of permanent scarring.
If the spots neglect to turn “dark brown and leathery” and flake off like the Internet is telling me they’re supposed to, I know I’ll be out hundreds of dollars at the real dermatologist to remedy the situation with LASERS. So ladies, you should consider learning to live with your melasma, it’s hard to wear bandaids on your mug around small children at the playground who keep asking about your “Ouchie” and your freaking “Boo-Boo,” or they just stare at you for a long time like you’re the Phantom of the Opera or Barney with bandaids on his dinosaur face.
