How Life Tricks You Into Having a Second Child

Posted on July 31, 2012 by admin

Life is sweet, right? Your 2.5 year old is going to the potty, learning to pick up toys, helping you with dinner, and now verbally telling you every day how much they love you.

You and your spouse are in adorable toddler-snuggling heaven and you’re finally beginning to experience the rewards of your labor that,  in theory, should last for 11 more years until they turn 13. Eleven wonderful years of sharing your extensive knowledge of the world with your progeny and molding them into the best version of you and your husband possible.

Along with the meaningful philosophical implications having children brings to your life, you are SKINNY. Finally back to your pre-preggo weight, the circles under your eyes are gone, you have energy, you may be rockin’ it at the office with your renewed 8-hours-a-night-of-sleep self. You like your husband again, and he’s finally learning how to use the stroller! Sexy times and date nights are a lot like it was before children.

Most importantly, you can go out to a bar without having to pump your breasts with a mechanical suction machine of dubious sanitation when you get home.

But somehow, all this ease and fun and love and dinner-time cuteness leaves you wanting. Then, friends and colleagues start having more babies, and you hold them, and remember how SMALL they are. They are just SOOO tiny! And light, not like your hulking child who’s crushing your spine right now as you read this mommy blog.

All this plus the new time for sex in your life tricks you into going off the pill. YOU WENT OFF THE PILL?? Yup, you did. And you thought, “oh hey, it’ll still take like 6 months, I’m OLD, in my mid-thirties, infertile practically, I probably have until January, I’ll just book this Christmas-time flight to Mexico right here—click!”

Wrongo, Mami. You’re pregnant 15 days after you stopped taking the pill. And NAUSEOUS, and CRAZY, and flooded with memories of what those first few months were like and how the sleep deprivation ruined EVERYTHING. But this time? THissss time, you get to do it all with what will soon be a 3 year old.

One last thing you were probably also longing for is more things to panic about. Don’t worry, now you not only have to worry about SIDS killing the new baby all over again, you get to panic about second-child syndrome, and your firstborn child physically marring or even murdering your second child.

Have fun in Mexico at 34-weeks preggers for Christmas! Don’t forget your in-flight maternity pantyhose so you can avoid dying from deep-vein thrombosis in coach. Enjoy that virgin margarita and ask your husband to slather sunscreen on your enormous belly so he’ll stop looking at that yoga instructor on the beach down there…

Life is so fucking easy right now, dear. Enjoy it while it lasts.

 

 

 

Posted in Losing It | 2 Comments

The Newest Trend in Playing: Celebrity Tag

Posted on March 31, 2012 by admin

Every once in while, we venture to the Upper East Side of Manhattan. This weekend it was for a toddler swim class at Asphalt Green. While membership at this club is astronomical for lowly Wash-Highers like us, their swim classes are somewhat reasonably priced and non-members can enroll. I took a back seat to the fun while my husband and daughter did underwater “zooms” together and practiced backstroking to “Row, Row, Row Your Boat.” It was great watching them interact and Josie only choked once!

As all this was going on in the water, I sat poolside and flipped through a brochure of classes and membership info. On the inside cover of the pamphlet was a segment titled, “The Power of Play.” After puking a little at this silly headline and then realizing it’s something I’d probably write for one of my clients, I saw this and completely lost my lunch:
Asphalt Green is so thoughtful with their marketing materials, they even suggest fun new games for the wealthiest young New Yorkers to play. As the headline stated, play is powerful, and then within the copy, “We’re helping kids learn teamwork and how to resolve conflict, which carries over into the classroom and throughout life.” And then in the instructions for the game, “Have a little fun and act as your FAVORITE CELEBRITY during your turn.” (The capital italics are directly from the brochure).

This is hilarious. I think learning how to dodge photographers is a definite skill my daughter needs to learn. There should be extra points for weighing below 115 pounds. If a kid is hanging out on the sidelines and wants to get in on the action, all they need to do is flour bomb the celebrity for wearing fur and then the body guards lose points for letting it happen. Oh, and if there’s a tie? The celebrity who acts the most wasted, to the point where her body guards have to hold her up while the photographer scores a photo of her underwear, WINS!

I am so looking forward to the tween years. Can’t fucking wait!

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Concrete Vs. Grass

Posted on March 23, 2012 by admin

Hallways: Toddlers love to run in them.

Last weekend as my daughter picked up a fourth shard of green glass from some creavaces in a crop of exposed Manhattan bedrock in Central Park, I wondered really how much different it would be to be a parent in the suburbs. This thought crosses my mind 100 times a day as we muddle through our little routines. I think, maybe if we lived in the suburbs my daughter wouldn’t think glass and cigarette butts are “rocks.” Oh, and that homeless guy masturbating on that Central Park bench (true story)? Just ignore it!

Even this past week something crazy happened, and no it wasn’t the flaming school bus my husband saw in front of Starbucks on his way to work, it was weirder, even for New York. As a group of us waited in line to use the handicap/stroller/bike service entrance to the subway, a (probably bi-polar/schizophrenic) woman on a motorized wheelchair going about 10 miles an hour (which is REALLY fast for a wheelchair) almost rammed into the back of my friend’s stroller and yelled, “I fucking hate you people!” Then she irately jerked her way through the rest of the line of strollers and through the door, white frizzy hair and pock-marked jowls flying—without swiping her Metrocard! A totally crazy wheelchair bitch on the run. I’d say, “only in New York” but I like to reserve that saying for more endearing Manhattan experiences…

Sigh. This and the rats behind our building’s “courtyard” sometimes make a person want to up and RUN to New Jersey, or in my case, back to the Midwest. But then I think, hey! New York is great for children. We have museums, beautiful parks and playgrounds, ice cream trucks on every corner during the summer, etc., etc.; and really, when you think about it, it’s not better or worse than the suburbs, just different:

1) Instead of rats, roaches, and giant disgusting trash flies, suburbanites have to deal with mosquitoes, poison ivy, wasps and bees.

2) In the suburbs, toddlers hang out in driveways and culdesacs while their mothers drink wine with neighbors; in the city, kids run the hallways while their mothers drink wine with neighbors.

3) New York mothers take their kids to Starbucks for a treat, while in the suburbs it’s probably McDonalds.

4) New York City’s older toddlers navigate city streets on Mini Kick scooters (much to their mother’s horror, but how the hell else are you supposed to get that kid to keep up with you while you’re running errands on foot?!); and suburb kids use the same scooters, but for playing in parking lots and drive ways. I bet you’ll see more helmets in the suburbs…

5) I have to sanitize my child 3 times a day from germs; you have to deal with grass stains on everything.

6) When I have a mental breakdown from hanging out with a screaming two-year old all day, I smoke cigarettes and cry on my fire escape; a fragile suburban mother probably does the same thing in her two-car garage next too the lawn mower.

7) Either place, suburb or city — GROCERY SHOPPING SUCKS!

 

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Playground Season!

Posted on March 13, 2012 by admin

After a few weeks off from blogging due to an increased workload and a descent into the hellish depths of the last week of gray February (a time a year where I do nothing but eat pretzels and watch Intervention) it is WARM here in New York City—and it’s playground time!

This year, the playground is going to really begin to play a central role in mine and my toddler’s life. No longer will she be falling over and drooling on the pavement like some 8-month old. She’s not going flip off the slide in some contorted position and bust her lip even though I’m standing right fucking there, touching her even! And she’s not going to stare with the eye-glaze of a really drunk person when some giant 4-year old pushes her over in order to ring some stupid playground bells.

No, this year, she can run, walk, climb ladders, stand in line, go down the slide on her back, front, side, and head first. And now she’s full of 2-year old attitude, I’d like to see ANY 4-year old try to mess with her now—all while I sit nearby drinking coffee and playing with my iPhone and NOT on the actual playground myself. Sweet!

This being said, it’s time to talk about some playground behavior I find really annoying.

  1. Dear Russian Nannies: Don’t give my child food. I don’t want her to fill up on your brownies and gold fish because she’ll NEVER eat my healthy lunch. NEVER.
  2. Do we always have to make an enormous deal about SHARING?? Please, these kids need to duke it out themselves sometimes. Unless your kid is being an asshole and hitting someone or pushing them in order to get at a toy, a snatch or grab here and there IS NOT A BIG DEAL—especially if the kid who’s toy was taken isn’t even phased by losing the toy. Along with sharing, our kids should learn to defend what they want instead of some adult always mediating the situation.
  3. Large, running children who don’t wait in line and their mothers are nowhere to be found should be disciplined, by YOU. Don’t feel bad about disciplining unsafe behavior if it’s warranted. This also applies to reprimanding teenagers who litter in broad daylight, in your kid’s playground. I know in NYC teenagers can be extremely frightening, but you’d be surprised at how well they listen when you call them out for littering. I also like to monitor small evil bands of 6-year-old girls who seem to be bullying another girl. That shit’s not cool with me, and you could make some poor little girl’s day a little better if you diffuse a teasing situation.
  4. Another annoying situation unique to New York: teenagers openly smoking marijuana 20 feet from a playground. My daughter already knows the difference between a spliff and a joint. Lovely.

 

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Adventures with Jogging Strollers

Posted on February 17, 2012 by admin

 

Yeah. I’m that New Yorker you hate with the giant jogging stroller. You’ll see green peppers and oranges rolling across your path just before my black and red Baby Jogger smashes your toe in narrow produce isles at grocerias. Or, you’ll wait for me to scrape through deli doorways as I push at yet another angle saying, “sorry, just a sec…” while you’re trying to exit with your beer and cigarettes. Asshole. I used to be allowed to smoke…

And you know what? I don’t care how much room my stroller takes up on the subway, or how long it takes to drag it up a staircase because my stroller is awesome. And besides, there is zero chance any other New Yorker is going to buy it off me on Craigslist so I’m keeping it until the bitter end. (I will say though, the big back wheels are great for going over city curbs, through puddles, and up and down stairs…wanna buy it??)

I bought the jogger when I lived in spacious and flat Chicago. I was going to lose all my baby weight by running! But instead we moved here. And we moved to the hilliest part of Manhattan and I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve actually jogged with it.

Central Park Runners Loop - I like the lower 1.7 mile loop.

But things are changing. Due to the mild winter weather in NYC, I’ve actually been jogging with my stupid big jogging stroller, and I have a few things to say about it.

First, you will jog much slower with a stroller than by yourself. You’ll also jog slower because you probably haven’t run since before you had the baby, who is now a toddler, and well that’s just embarrassing, you really should be running by now if you bought a fucking jogging stroller!

Second, you can’t move your arms while you jog with a stroller because you’re holding on to the stroller. This might make things more uncomfortable if you’re like me and never really experience a runner’s high—just really uncomfortable shin splints and breathlessness because you’re RUNNING.

Third, if you’re jogging in New York, there are about 1000 places you can jog. Here are just a few I’ve explored recently:

Central Park: Excellent for a morning getaway on days where you don’t have playgroup, work, or preschool. Bonus: There are HORSIES along the path as well. Your kid will love the famous Central Park carriages.

Fort Tryon Park and the Cloisters: For upper, upper Manhattanites serious about running. I found this park, while the best park in the city for aesthetics and views, is a bitch for jogging with a stroller. Unless you are super human, the hills will kill you.

Upper Manhattan Greenway: The Greenway in upper Manhattan, at 181st street, is great on the weekends. I do not recommend jogging by yourself with baby during the week, kind of desolate, so team up with a mom buddy. The trail is long and flat and goes along the Hudson River for miles. Bonus: See the REAL Little Red Light House, featured in this classic children’s book, and the GW bridge.

Downtown West Side Greenway: Might be more crowded but perfect for a toddler and a jogging stroller. Your child can watch sailboats in the harbor and look at the Statue of Liberty while you burn some calories. There are also restaurants and playgrounds along the trail and plenty of places to rest in between bouts of jogging.

 


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Ghosts of Valentine’s Past

Posted on February 14, 2012 by admin

When my husband and I first started long-distance dating, a friend of ours played some Rufus Wainwright for us one sunny and crisp October weekend in NYC. For some reason we both loved this really cheesy love song on his Poses album: “The Tower of Learning.”

Rufus Wainwright - He's serious about love.

Here are some of the lyrics:

I saw it in your eyes what I’m looking for
I saw it in your eyes what I’m looking for

I really do fear that I’m dying
I really do fear that I’m dead
I saw it in your eyes what I’m looking for
I saw it in your eyes what will make me live

BAH – HAHAHAHHAHHA! Ha! These lyrics crack me up now because even though they still ring true for my relationship; when the hell did we ever have time to listen to LOVE SONGS?

If you’re like our family, our jobs require a lot of working from home in the evenings after bedtime which can easily cut into nookie time if you let it—so be careful today.

DON’T forget it’s Valentine’s day and tell your husband you need to work from 8:30 p.m. on tonight after you go to the gym.
DON’T forget to make Valentine’s for your daughter’s pre-school, grandparents, and friends on her two-year-old self’s behalf.
DON’T find yourself mailing “belated love” cards to Grandmama and buying cheap heart cookies from the deli for pre-school the morning OF Valentine’s Day.

DO put off work for tomorrow.
DO try to remember holidays, birthdays, and anniversaries. Kids live for this shit.
DO buy some filet mignon and wine for dinner.
DO try to dig up some remnant of your romantic past with your husband and laugh about it over dinner. Lingerie? Sure, why not!

Happy Valentine’s Day!

 

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If A Toddler Can Make it Here: They’re Probably Over-Booked but Happy

Posted on February 13, 2012 by admin

I am constantly amazed at how kid-friendly New York is turning out to be. When my husband and I decided to move back to Manhattan with a 9-month old from our spacious apartment in Chicago, I was terrified. The motherly panic that was ruling my life at that point was, “WTF am I going to do with her in New York City?? Take her to McSorley’s for lunch? Chinatown for kareoke? East Village for getting into trouble after midnight?” My sole experience with NYC from my twenties only included bars and clubs for the most part, a few delis, and some laundromats.

But much to my surprise, within two weeks of moving we were going to church playgroups, inside play spaces, children’s museums, regular museums, parks and playgrounds, yoga classes, and library programs. In fact, the motherly panic that took over at this point was how the hell do I turn down things to do?

I’ve even panicked that I’m  doing TOO much with her (it will give her a short attention span!). But then I hear about a new soccer program for 2-year olds and the panic switches to, “Oh shit, she’s not involved with a sport yet!” This then results in my husband signing her up for a $300 6-week swimming class. Whew!

As any New Yorker will tell you, this city sucks you in and before you know it you’re over-booked and over-spent with all the amazing activities it has to offer. This applies to parents too—we’re eating Ramen Noodles this month to pay for our baby-sitter bills from last month! Some things about NYC never change.

Every week it seems I’m discovering something new that’s completely necessary and also extremely fun to do with my toddler. This past week it was Bi-lingual Birdies at the Inwood Library.

This event was FREE, my daughter interacted with everybody due to the talent and engaging personality of the singer/group leader. She learned two new words in Spanish! Paco (duck!) and manzano (apple!). I think she might also know roja (red) but she’s still working on rolling her Rs. I think by next week she’ll have it down and I’m expecting her to order me a burrito at the local Mexican place on the corner in fluent Spanish. And I was thinking, over the summer, I’ll look into Algebra for 24-36-month olds. I’m sure she’ll be done with her multiplication tables by then because I’m paying out the ass for our Pre-pre-pre-K math tutor. I jest.

Moral of the story: If you’re reading this because you’re pregnant in Manhattan and are panicked that the city is no place to have children, no worries, you’ll have more to do than you can handle.

 

 

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Makeup, Makeup, Makeup!

Posted on February 7, 2012 by admin

I’ve always been addicted to makeup, but when you have children, makeup becomes a goddamn necessity if you want to look like yourself anymore. While I’ve never been a classic beauty, I think I manage to at least look pretty cute a good 80% of time and really, do people really care that much once your mom? I mean, it’s expected of us to grow dimpled asses, hairy chins, and droopy tits after birth. The fact that you’re wearing lip gloss right now is AMAZING. How did you ever find the time to apply it, Mami?

For those moms out there who love makeup and aren’t about to give it up just because you popped a kid into the world I’ve devised a little makeup system that I think works pretty well.

Makeup for dropping your kid off at preschool
Pre-school is not a fashion show, but you don’t want to look like you rolled out of bed, slapped on some deodorant and are wearing the same makeup from the night before. It’s pre-school, not a freaking walk-of-shame, ladies! Always wash your face, use tinted moisturizer, mascara, and lip-gloss. I like Balm Shelter tinted moisturizer with SPF 18.


Makeup for late afternoon at the playground
Here, I think a little MAC eye-liner and eyeshadow is called for, along with mineral foundation (Jane Iredale mineral foundation doubles as a SPF 20 sunscreen) and lipstick because:

  • A.) You’re outside under the bright sun and every flaw is going to show, especially all your melasma spots.
  • B.) NYC’s afternoon-playground time is kind of a scene. It’s like happy-hour for all the hipster parents who can never go to happy-hour anymore, so why not look cute and socialize? Why not bring a flask of whiskey?
  • C.) There’s a good chance you’ll stop at the corner restaurant on your way home for dinner with your hubby. Surprise him by looking put together at the end of day. Hint: he just might want to sleep with you later.

Makeup for toddler birthday parties
Toddler birthday parties are parties for parents too. In the limited social world of parenting, makeup-wise this is the equivalent of going out to dinner with friends at that hip new restaurant downtown. Along with full make-up you might want to blow-out your hair with a big round brush and tell your husband to shave even though it’s the weekend.

Makeup for playgroup
Playgroups usually only involve women and children. You probably don’t really need to wear makeup to playgroup. It’s the one place where you can show up in a shirt covered in child snot and stretched-out yoga pants from Marshall’s without being judged as a worn-out hag dragging her kids around the city.

The only time you might want to wear makeup to playgroup is if you’re hungover or trying to be that bitch that always looks good. Whether or not you wear makeup to playgroup is up to you. Just remember, it’s A-O-K to look however you want because, Jesus, these kids are exhausting! And you deserve one day a week where it’s okay if you look like this: 

 

 

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Valentine’s Dinner Idea: Vermouth and Gruyere Reduction

Posted on February 2, 2012 by admin

This recipe is freaking delicious and pretty much an original. I did use some help from this book when it came to cooking the beef, How To Cook Everything. (It’s like a modern Joy of Cooking.)

For this dish, you’ll need a nice cut of steak. I like the Petit Fillet or shoulder steak. It’s a big cut and you’ll have plenty of leftovers for the next day. Then you’ll need some VERMOUTH! Vermouth, a wine (not just for martinis, which blew my mind), can be used like white or red wine in sauces! And the flavor is full with a little bite. You’ll love it.

 

The Petit Fillet
Pre-heat oven to 500°

Heat large, oven-proof skillet for 4-5 minutes on high until it’s smoking hot.

Place beef in skillet and immediately transfer skillet to the FLOOR of the oven, not on a rack.

Cook for 15 or so minutes or to your desired internal temperature for rare, medium rare etc.

The Vermouth and Gruyere Reduction
2 cups of vermouth
2 tablespoons of softened butter
Small handful of finely chopped onions or shallots

Once your beef is done to your liking, remove beef from skillet and place on oven-proof plate. Turn the oven off and place plate on a rack to keep the meat hot as the oven cools and you make your sauce. If it’s a little rare at this point, no worries, it’ll continue to cook a bit in the cooling oven.

Put the skillet you just used to cook the beef on the stovetop. Use a good oven mit because it will be super hot. Pour 2 cups of vermouth into pan and cook on high heat until the vermouth reduces by half. At any point during the reduction you can add the onions or shallots. Also during this process, use a whisk to scrape all the deliciousness from the bottom of the pan. The steak juices and meaty bits on the bottom will really add flavor to your sauce.

Once the liquid has reduced, add the butter and reduce heat to medium. Once the butter melts, add one to two cubes of Gruyere. If you like a sharper tasting sauce, go with two cubes, if that’s not your thing stick with one.

When the cheese is melted pour over meat and serve in groups of succulent and saucy medallions with brown rice, salad and a veggie. It’s fucking amazing! Hmmmm.

 

 

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For New Mothers Freaking on What To Buy For Baby

Posted on January 31, 2012 by admin

Things I wish I would have bought by now

  • Cup holder for stroller – If you drink coffee BUY THIS.
  • Fur hand muffs for stroller – You try to remember gloves while your toddler screams “No Thank You!” every time you try to put on her coat.
  • Baby leg warmers – Baby and toddler pants are thin, these will make you feel like a good mother when your kid isn’t freezing
  • Stroller snuggly – EVERYBODY has one in NYC, except for me and I waste a lot of time layering pants and socks because I don’t even have leg warmers… 

Things I bought and couldn’t live without

  • Moses basket with frame – Perfect for newborn naps and before baby can sit up. Also excellent for bringing baby into the bathroom with you to take a shower those first few months.
  • Rain shield for stroller – I waited a year and a half to buy one and came really close to asking for a Valium prescription last winter because I was stuck inside ALL THE TIME.
  • Counter top highchair
  • Ergo front carrier – The BEST way to carry baby around the city. Worth the hundred dollars
  • Combi Coccoro Convertible Car Seat and Stroller Frame – If you travel this will save your life because the carseat is the stroller AND it’s the only “snap and go” type product for TODDLER CARSEATS.
  • Kidco Travel Tent – Again, if you travel this travel bed is cheaper, lighter, and bigger than Pack ‘n Plays.

Things that were a total waste of money

  • Play pen – Nice wood ones are expensive and take up a lot of room. You’re better off gating a super baby-proofed room or just using a nice blanket on the floor.
  • Bouncer – Borrow one from a friend or get one off Craigslist, or I’ll give you my $80 bouncer for free. Your baby will only use it for 2 months. 
  • C-section scar reducing belt – This was the DUMBEST purchase I ever made and it does not work for scars. Huge scar. It does make you feel a little more comfortable moving around though… 
  • Large amount of nursing shirts and bras – One or two good nursing shirts and bras are enough (they are very expensive). You’ll end up wearing all your regular clothes and just lifting up your shirt and pulling your regular bra to the side. 
  • Expensive cold air humidifier – Just buy this Vicks Humidifier for $16 bucks from Target and keep it really clean. 
  • Baby bathtub – taking baths with my newborn was really special and relaxing for both of us. She loved being fully submerged in the water and never cried once during bath time. 


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